If this sounds really random and out of sorts, it's because that's what my emotional state feels like right now. Mixed up and random.
It's been a tough couple of weeks. My dear sister-in-law to be, Amanda, or, simply "Nana" as the kids call her, lost her mother a week ago yesterday. She was only 48 years old, and while the exact cause of her passing still remains to be revealed, her three beautiful children and her family are left to pick up the pieces and try to move on with things. Her death was unexpected, and her children had to make the difficult decision to remove her from life support when it became evident that she would not be living without the assistance of machines.
I don't even have the words to express how sad I am for them, especially Amanda, because she is getting married in July to my brother-in-law Michael, and it just hurts me to know that her special day (and all the days before and after) are going to be tinged with grief and sadness. I wish I had a magic wand to make the pain go away.
As I watched this woman's three brave children stand at her graveside in the snow this past Tuesday, tearfully bidding farewell to their beloved mother, it hurt my heart so to see them hurt so much. I've been there. How I wish there was a way to make it hurt less, but the truth is there isn't anything much that will ever fully erase those feelings of loss. The passage of time certainly has a way of easing things, thankfully.
The priest who performed the service suggested that the children and family turn to their faith and family to help ease the pain and get them through, and I could not help but nod in agreement when he said this during the service. It reminded me so much of all my friends and family who have been there for me throughout these last 15 years, to sit and listen, to offer words of comfort, to just be there to remember her with me.
And faith. If not for my faith in God, and the belief that his plan for me is perfect, and having placed full trust in Him and his wisdom, I'm doubtful I would be where I am today. In those early, raw weeks and months following my mother's death, I was angry at God and my faith in Him was totally shattered. But, over time, I began to trust again, to turn to him in prayer when things became completely unbearable and unmanageable. And, you know what, he always showed me the way. Maybe not in the timetable I would have liked, but he always showed me the answers.
It hurts my heart to know the pain Amanda and her brothers have endured, and have yet to endure as they attempt to move on with their young lives. I didn't get the chance to tell Amanda's older brother this, and I'm not sure if he'll even see this, but I did tell Amanda and her younger brother this when I expressed my condolences. What I wanted each of them to know is this: all that is good about their mom is right there inside them. When they are feeling sad or missing her, all they need to do is look in the mirror and they'll see her and draw on her strength. Our mothers teach us how to love, and that gift is timeless and priceless, and it is a gift that they will have from her for all their lives. Use that gift, and in doing so she will always live on.
I have no doubts now that their mother Deb is up there in heaven, free from her pain and suffering. Although she will be absent from this earth, she will always live on in the hearts of her three children and all those who were affected by her love and presence.
